desire

How can one sit around desiring something so strong so much and do nothing about it?

I guess its easy when the desired goal requires exercise. Many people struggle with exercising to lose weight. It's not easy to keep that goal. Mostly because unless you're doing some sort of dancing or other creative form of exercise (at least for me personally) then it is dull and boring.

Most of weight loss truly is based on what you eat. I don't recall the percentage but I think its like 70% diet and 30% exercise. not sure don't hold me to that. There are so many days that I just want to stop eating in general and survive on drinking Gatorade and idk... maybe coffee. but I can't. my body screams for nutrition. rightfully so! I can't starve myself. it's just not healthy at all. Me, when I skip a meal I get a headache. The headache becomes a migraine and that is the end. I'm stuck in bed.

So I'm at a loss what to do. I'm going to keep following the 21 day fix program. Starting back on it Monday. It really helped my before. But this time I have to follow the exercise regimen.

I desire weight loss. I desire feeling good about the way I look. I desire to eat healthy from now on.

I desire a healthy lifestyle

overwhelmed

ok so already I am feeling overwhelmed. I just listed on facbook all of the wonderful thinks I have in my life that I'm currently doing. I'll list them here again.


 art journal, day planner, composition book of various art, gratitude diary, quote/affirmation log book. I'm also working on a watercolor painting for my dad, a Suzi Blu workshop which is including teaching myself how to draw faces! and lastly I'd like to start drawing a giraffe to eventually paint in acrylic. 
I also want to paint the NYC skyline for Ruben for Christmas and paint Kingsley for Stacey. I also want to make this Dylusions Journal the way that Suzi has hers. which will probably take me a life time!! The photo here is the cover of her journal. it's so pretty! I want to be able to do that.
So.. Just my artistic/ creative endeavors alone get me overwhelmed. So imagine adding more to my plate? there is more .. there are cooking, cleaning, volunteering, meetings, gym/exercise..
Imagine if I had kids?! oh my that would be insane. take like 70% of all of this an throw it out the window.
So breath... have gratitude.. keep doing what I'm doing ... and drink more water!

remembering......

Over the past couple of days I have been thinking of my Memere and Pepere a LOT! For whatever reason they have both been on my mind. Usually it's one or the other. The triggers have been anything from certain smells to the fact that my nephew was just born on their wedding anniversary. I can't preach enough how much they meant to me in my life. Unfortunately we are not here forever. I use to tell my Memere, Please live until 112. She'd always reply to me , Erin I don't think I'd like that, my bones would ache! I have to just be satisfied with what she did teach me while she was on this Earth. And boy she sure taught me enough!

As far as Pepere goes.. Memere died many years before 'Pepere and I would think , man I wish I was as close with Pepere as I was with Memere. and low and behold I ended up his caretaker. and BOOM my wish came true.

So the moral of the story is.. we may wish our loved ones were still physically here and around but what we should do is really appreciate what we had with them when they were and cherish their memories.

art!

So I was laying in bed last night thinking.. I can't wait to get up tomorrow and do more art! What?! yes I said it! I couldn't wait to get up. Normally sleep was my favorite time of the day.

 I have become addicted to art making. You have no idea. Its far better than some other things I've been addicted to, right?! This next statement needs a line all to itself:

I haven't watched TV in a very long while.

That alone is amazing. I've decided I could careless what's on the TV. When hubby gets home he puts the news on and I usually pay mind to it in the background. I suppose knowing what's happening in th world is a good notion.

 So thanks to my birthday gifts from friends and family I was about to obtain everything I need for my Suzi Blu work shop and much much more for things like art journaling.
Sure I look at it all and think do I have enough time for all of this or furthermore do I have enough knowledge of how to use all of this.

And then I am reminded of how my brother taught himself how to do art. And that inspires me. Maybe I'll get a book at the library. I use to have a ton of how to art books and donated them to the Massapequa Library . dummy.

There's so much I want and need to learn. The basics, line, form, shading, shadows, blending, color mixing, etc. etc. etc.

I think I will just use my free time doing art. who needs tv anyways. I can always listen to music while I Create. Good thing I can do that. I can't read and listen.

consistency

So I was taking some medicine last night and my husband said to me- so have you been taking that every day now? I said yes, yes I have. (it's Miralax). He said oh you won't be doing that forever. You lake consistency. First reaction- f-u. second reaction - damn he's right.
So he hit the nail on the head of exactly one of my defects. I start things that are so good/beneficial for me and then I don't stick by them.
Meaningful Beauty
Rosetta Stone
Gratitude Journals
reading in general
taking baths
art work
anything routine based
diet based routines
exercise

You name it. .I start it and never follow through with it. Caitlin had an inkling that my blog might help me accept hearing the truth and accepting it. I find the truth very hard to swallow. So when Ruben pointed out the fact that I am inconsistent it kinda hurt. He is very on point.

It's a wish of mine to remove this defect and follow through with goals I want to accomplish. It's never too late. And all those things I failed at that I listed above.. why not try again??

how to or not spend ones' birthday

Hi all! Well today I am a year older. YAAY! I love my birthday. I think for some reason all the festivities that surround the day excite me. I confess, its the one day where it is ALL about ME! and that's probably the psychology behind it. I think we all deserve 1 day out of the year to be honored and spoiled.

The program I am a part of has taught me to honor others and provide service to others. Think less and less about yourself. That's major for me. I know that one of my character defects growing up and still has been very self-centered. I need to think less about Erin and more about everyone else. Whether it is during a conversation of its at Christmas giving.

Its not about me anymore; its about what can I do for others?

 I was thinking about it.. I have changed my cleaning day to Thursdays. And I need my Friday's off. I though this week- how shitty I have to clean the house on my birthday. But then I gave it more thought. It's really just another day. I'm not some primadonna princess that can't lift a finger. I have dinner with Dad to look forward to and some other things here and there. So quitcha bitchin and do it!  BTW skipping or switching a day wont fly. lol.

And finally I must say a huge THANK YOU to my Mom and Dad for creating me. You are the reason I am here on this Earth. Thank you and I love you sooo much!

not wanting it bad enough

Hi everyone!

So my topic for today has to do with my journey to losing weight. It has become clear to me that I clearly don't want it bad enough. I say clearly because it is obvious that I am not trying hard enough. I don't exercise. I have been maintaining the 21 day fix diet pretty darn close to what they recommend. But I haven't followed the exercise routine portion that they recommend. I think its because I'm pure lazy. I have dvds I can follow from the comfort of my own home for God's sake and I don't do them!! It's pure laziness. That's exactly what it is. Maybe and I stress maybe I feel the dvds wont make me skinny so that's why I don't bother???? IDK

My friend comes with me every now and then to the gym. That's pretty much the only time I exercise. I shouldn't rely on that to be the only time I exercise.

Does anyone else have difficulty exercising ? Any modalities they prefer?

music as an escape

There are plenty of times in our days where we just need to unwind or distract ourselves. For example: when I am driving I like to have music on not as a distraction but as an enhancer. When I am 'working' I also like music because it adds a certain ambiance to the situation. In the shower music is a nice addition. Necessary? no. But music cheers you up or reminds you of things. Those 'things' can be good memories or bad memories but none the less the music evoked them.

since I was a young girl- 3 or 4 ish, MTV came out. My mom says I was glued to the TV watching it. My first cassettes were Madonna- Like a Virgin and Cindy Lauper. I've always had 'favorites' I've always had genres that I liked. And these favorites have always evolved with me as I've aged and matured. I still cannot understand people whom don't have favorite or don't own cds of bands or artists. They would prefer just turning the radio on and listening to whatever is there. Don't get me wrong! they still obviously like music. I don't think I know 1 person whom doesn't like music.

sometimes we like music based on who we socialize with. At least this goes for saying when we were younger. when you are in a group that group tends to have a certain style and that style a certain music. Ive circled through so many genres of music in my life. Now I am back peddling. I am re-exploring my high school music which was mostly alternative rock. Towards the end of high school it was hip hop and rap. But I think those days are long gone.
I am always exploring, I love learning lyrics and now that the music videos are few and far between we have to must listen and imagine.

Music Therapy:
Research has shown that music has a profound effect on your body and psyche. In fact, there’s a growing field of health care known as music therapy, which uses music to heal. Those who practice music therapy are finding a benefit in using music to help cancer patients, children with ADD, and others, and even hospitals are beginning to use music and music therapy to help with pain management, to help ward off depression, to promote movement, to calm patients, to ease muscle tension, and for many other benefits that music and music therapy can bring. This is not surprising, as music affects the body and mind in many powerful ways.

being grateful/ grattitude

There is sooo much I have in this life that I am truly grateful for. Whether it be my family, friends or fellowship. I also have more material objects than I could ever imagine. I look at these things daily and think to myself, OMG why do you have so many belongings and further more why do you continue to obtain more? I have everything a girl could possibly need and more. Yet I go to the mall and find more things? WTF? Maybe when I go shopping if I feel the need to buy things it should be for other people?? Just to switch topics here.. I have a major addiction to shopping. Shopaholic here. I love browsing, searching, picking things out, buying, taking home, removing the tags and putting the things away. It is a true addiction I believe. But I never buy expensive stuff so hubby doesn't really have much to worry about. Its not like im buying jewelry that breaks the bank.  So back to the topic of gratitude. When you are thankful for what you have more comes your way. And it rubs off on others. I say my prayers and include everything I am thankful for in them. But now I am going to start a journal of all things I am grateful for. I encourage everyone to do the same. God carries me through the day and for that I am grateful and if that is the only thing on my list- that is all I need. God bless all. thanks for reading

Backbone

I was never one to have a backbone. And people loved to point that out to me. Whether it be family, friends or complete strangers. And from a young age.. talking like 3rd grade and that vicinity. I really didn't even know what having a backbone meant.
I was always shy, very very shy. I could never just go up to a stranger and ask for something. In school my shyness got interpreted as being a snob. They all thought that I thought I was too good for them therefore I didn't talk to anyone. So not the case. I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't know how to start a conversation or how to keep one. And years later that's where alcohol came into play. It helped me when I was a lot older (like the last 2 years of high school) older to be able to socialize with my peers.

But at undergrad I did: I think that I had come out of my shell my freshman year at college. I had a large circle of friends and I was able to juggle between school and social life. oh my we drank so much. and my last year .. what a confidence boost. So many friends instead of the first 3 years where I had just a few. Both ways: a few friend party all the time and a ton of friends party all the time , alcohol was part of the picture. I was slowly gaining confidence in myself .. if this is making any sense. before I needed alcohol to socialize..
Now I don't need booze to have fun or party. But as far as speaking up for myself I am a totally new person. I will ultimately ask for anything I need. I have the mentality that it doesn't hurt to ask.

I hate conflict, I hate having to approach somebody and tell them they hurt or bothered me. But if I don't then I have let them walk over me, hence having a no back bone. I just practiced this last night. I had to approach hubby with something he said that bothered me and I really wanted to just avoid it but I HAD TO DO IT! and I did, it went well and now he will know better for the next time that I don't tolereate that behavior.

So I guess the theme is backbone to have or not! I guess you can grow one with time like me!

I'm BACK!!

Hi everyone! thanks for stopping by to read my blog. I haven't been blogging for a long time. I just stopped because I was going to Starbucks to do it and it got quite expensive and fattening! I didn't really want to do this from home, I thought it killed the purpose. Purpose being to get out of bed and out of the house; around other people and awake. But a great thing has occurred lately.... I have been able to get up while its still dark out!! This is major, major, major. I have always hated the fact that my body requires more sleep then it use to. I always prided myself on being a morning person. So to sleep past 9 am, especially since I would go to bed at 9 pm.. I use to feel horrible about it. It's a known fact that I beat myself up over everything but now I'm just tickled that I can get up earlier that Ruben even!!
So what am I doing now that I get up earlier??
Working on my latest project. Fine-tuning and revamping my iTunes Library. I weeded it out basically. I got rid of all the crap I don't listen. edited playlists. Added playlists and music.
So I am working on learning new music. It's great and all that I had/have an obsession with Hair Metal/Metal in general. But its been years and years. Time for a change. I'm bored with it. So I decided maybe a year ago to get into Chris Cornell's music. Not because I'm attracted to him, quite the contrary. No but because he is damn good. And I never acted on the desire. I just didn't wanna buy his cds along with Soundgarden and Audioslave. So finally I bit the bullet and decided to acquire all their music!! but then it turned into a desire for all things alternative from that era.. IF you know me you know I get obsessive and compulsive.. so I started to list all the bands from that era/genre and furthermore all their albums. so then I had to have it all. Luckily I have an amazing friend, Dave, whom was able to burn CDs for me!!! He ROCKS! oh and the guy that works at FYE randomly offered to burn a few for me too??! awesome! 
So now comes the fun/best part... learning all the music. Its my favorite part. I did it with: Guns, Whitesnake, skid row, Montley Crue, ZZ, Cars, Metallica, Pantera, etc, ETc, ETC,

so I can do it with this music!

Oh and don't get me wrong, my friend Melinda pointed out about Axl.. I will still be his number 1 fan..

phobia

So for my whole life I have had a phobia of dogs. I was surrounded in my childhood sandbox by 2 large, scary dogs. That was enough to set me up with a fear of dogs for life.

Ah hah--- life?!
so I started years ago watching the Dog Whisperer. It really opened my eyes to see that dogs have illness, faults and good nature deep down they don't want to hurt any human. The more I watched the more I got better being around them.

I have been able within the last 2 year to actually pet dogs. They can smell fear so I try to be brave when close by.
So I decided recently that I want a dog at home as a companion. everyone is shocked especially my husband and mom.
I have one major concern... how does one train a dog?? especially to go to the bathroom?
I'd get one in a heart beat if it weren't for that issue.

ruben found some beagles and puggles for sale. but they are baby baby age. so that's going to be very hard.

oh well. I guess there's no rush.

consistency

I am striving for consistency, structure and -- the dreaded -- perfection! I have several tasks and check off list items that I want to do daily. Like this blog. For some reason I can't quite figure out, I haven't been successful in the consistency department. I know perfection doesn't exist and the terms are different for everyone. Which further more proves there's no such thing.
daily items that would make Erin better:
skin care routine morning /night
drink a gallon of water every day
read 1 time daily
art making for at least 30 mins daily
cardio daily

I am getting a really creative day planner. I don't like the iphone one. Id prefer a paper format. I plan to follow Suzi Blu (YouTube vlogger) as she decorates and organzes her. I am praying it helps me stick to my goals and desired schedule. if not it will be a waste of money and effort. I guess its close to that time already. The time of making resolutions. Maybe mine will be to set goals but not beat myself up if I don't meet them?!!

spending money

Tis the season to shop until you drop. ugg. It's so nice to see a family member or friend's face when they open a gift from you.. but you end up spending a fortune on everybody. This year we have 13 people to shop for for Christmas gifts and 6 December babies for birthday gifts. All in total equals mega bucks. Now I'm not totally selfish but I always shop in the stores and think- hmmm that looks nice , or I want that. sometimes I buy the stuff I see for me.

Part of my illness is that when I am in a super good mood I tend to spend spend spend. And sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I spend to feel better. its like a vicious circle. I bought several things in November and December that I definitely DON'T need!!

Sure some say well Erin you deserve it. Do I? really? A designer brand wallet over 150? A set of shower gels for 75? and day planner for an amount im not even going to share. Some choices are poor. I returned clothes I bought online. They were nice but not worth the money. So that's how I rationalized the day planner. because I returned the clothes then I can afford the planner.

I really should donate more things. But a good friend of mine told me I deserve everything God blesses me with. So I will continue to do what I do daily and thank God for everything. all day I do this and it really helps!!

family

So I'm so fortunate that I get along with and love all my family! And they all love me. I know people, even close to me that their family just doesn't communicate or spend time with each other. We sometimes struggle to please everyone or accommodate everyone. Especially during the holidays. It's always a battle- who's house are we going to and who is invited. With parents whom are divorced and also those with kids that their fathers are separate it makes for a tricky holiday plan. But in the end we all love each other to the most of our ability.

We moved here from New York instead of New Jersey on purpose. Because my family all lives here in Connecticut. We are frequently going up to their place to visit whether for just because or an event/party. Not often do they visit us. usually if it's just a bbq or a party of some sort. So.. for my sister and the boys to come yesterday meant a lot to me. We decorated my house for Christmas with the boys. As far as I can tell they had a blast! And my Christmas tree never looked any better. But to have family here to share such a special time of year meant the world to me.

Even though holiday's are tricky we always manage to have a good time and most of us be together at the same event.

art making

Good morning all.. today's blog is about my art making. I have been beating myself up for years that I don't do art daily. I consider myself an artist.. maybe not a good artist but and artist none the less. I started with oil painting. When my ex uncle died I inherited all his art supplies. He had tons of oil paints, brushes and paraphernalia for painting. I was so excited. I never painted before. So my ex's mother bought me a adult ed painting class. So I started my career in painting. I wasn't very good but with patience and perseverance I was able to create the most beautiful portrait of a fairy sitting in a field of flowers and butterflies. From there I did a bunch more. Then certain set backs happened in my life and I strayed from painting. But I did decide to go to college to get a Master's in Art Therapy. Because of this I had to take several art classes just to get accepted in the program. I was horrible at drawing and painting and mostly pottery.

So for years I did no art work. Then I discovered art journaling. instead of just writing down your thoughts you incorporate pictures, decorations and fodder. Fodder (random scraps and items to create with) . Mixed media was foreign to me. You use painting, drawing, stickers, tape, glue, stamping, etc all together on one art piece instead of just oil painting for example.

It was my desire to do art journaling and/ or mixed media every day. This is where art therapy comes in. The therapeutic qualities of art making are great for your thoughts, positivity and mood. So if I did that every day I'd be a happy lady right?!!

So I made my basement into an art studio. It was a place to work out but we sold the treadmill. So it was just beckoning me to come down there. The benefits are I can spread all my supplies out all over the place. I have to use the space heater because its very cold down there. It's soo worth it.

So I have used it every day since putting it there. except Thanksgiving day. and Ruben came down yesterday and said.. what are you doing down here that you are here all the time now. So I showed him a few things and he was impressed. And actually so am I! this is one of my goals to do art on the daily ... fingers crossed it stays that way!

spoiled

So there are a few people in my life that are so spoiled. I'm not naming names that's for sure. Although I don't know They were raised this way and now that they're older they are set in their ways. I'll admit I love purses that are designer and prefer their signature prints just to show of that its Coach or whatever brand. Other than that I really don't care about labels.

So I have to give these people a gift for the baby shower. They are expecting gifts in the hundreds. one person I know may give them a gift valued at 600 dollars. Which I talked them out of I hope. I want to get a diaper bag but a fancy one. The Coach diaper bag is too much money. And just think.. you are putting poopy diapers in a bag that cost hundreds??? so what on earth am I going to give them??

I have never met some of these people but I'm very nervous to. I have to look my very best for sure! I'm obsessing over this. If I'm going to meet these people for the first time I wanna look thinner and prettier. I have a little over 1 month to do so. So we shall see. I know I know I should be satisfied with the way I look now but I'm not.

So I guess I will just try until the baby shower to lose weight and buy the perfect outfit!

thanksgiving thanks

Happy Thanksgiving ! Today is a day to give thanks. I have a huge amount to be thankful for. Should I list it?? Of course my family and friends. I have made family with a large group of people and I really love every single one of them. I also have every blessed material object a girl could ask for. And for that I am not only thankful but I feel spoiled for it.
 God is so wonderful ya know?! He gives us all we need and then some. If only we listen to him and serve him.
I could use my time and volunteer at a shelter but eh.. I don't know.
I guess the best is to keep giving thanks to God and stay humble.

a long break

So if you had been following my blogs you would know that I went off the map. It all started because the new medicine I was taking made me even more groggy than the other meds. Which I didn't imagine was even possible as I was struggling to wake up with the old meds. Lately, knock on wood, I've been getting up super early like today for example, 8 am! Last Sunday it was 7:30am! My husband was shocked. The medicine has been a Godsend. It has totally done a 360 on my life. I never knew what happy was and how depressed I was until I got on it. Really! No wonder I laid in bed for hours not wanting to get out--- I was depressed.. duh, why didn't I think of that??!!
So know that I'm no longer depressed I'm such a changed woman. I am super talkative and friendly with friend, family or strangers! I only have about a tenth of the worries I use to have. I'm still not drinking and don't desire to most of the time. This is ground breaking for me.

I want to discuss selfishness and humility for a moment.

So over the weekend I went Christmas and birthday shopping at the mall and also online shopping. I got everyone done except 2. I had 12 gifts and 12 stocking stuffers as well as 6 birthdays! But here's the thing-- no matter what store I went into I found something or somethings I would want for myself. I had to use serious self-discipline to deter myself from buying for me not another. This leads me to the topic of selfishness... I get so bothered when I think of how much I have and how I don't need anything. In fact I Should probably donate a lot. For example: I have been tracking what I wear. I haven't repeated an outfit since September. No grated I bought all my clothes a thrift shop that puts things into perspective. But still, I feel overwhelmed. I have an iPad, designer sunglasses, a HUGE collection of purses, you name it I probably have it. So why when shopping for holidays did I want almost 1 thing in every store I went into?! Am I greedy, or is this normal? My trainer was like well it's your money you earned it if you wanna spend on yourself why. Well he would be right if I didn't drop over 150 on a wallet a few weeks ago. Shopping is like a drug for me, it feels so good that I can't resist buying stuff.

But on another hand I am very humble. I volunteer my time and services. I donate clothes that I don't wear or fit in. I need to just not beat myself up and be thankful to God for all that I have and all he has given me.

habits or not

So I finished my book called Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin. Its a book to teach how habits are formed, kept or not. I thought it would help me accomplish my goals. I have so many goals. I think no I Know I constantly am trying to better myself. The program talks about character defects. I am constantly trying to fix those. Here are some habits I would love to formulate. And I may have talked about these before.
-facial regimen- cleanse, tone, moisturize- morning and nite
-come to Starbucks and blog every week day morning
- go to gym , trainer and cardio
- art journal at least 3 times a week (right now I do none0
- Rosetta Stone, Spanish language. I want to talk to hubby in Spanish ideally
-keep a gratitude journal daily

These goals are all TOTALLY obtainable! But for whatever reason I can't stick to them. I will do my skin care routine (I use Meaningful Beauty from Cindy Crawford) for days in a row and then skip for days in a row. Why not just do every day??? Am I that lazy. Look at this morning. I did get out to Starbucks but I didn't do the face cleansing routine. Little stuff like this, yes its little.. bothers me.

All of these listed items should go up on an updated Vision Board. but this vision board will be different. It will be limited to just those things I listed above. Nothing more or less. Stay simple.

Rosetta Stone I'm struggling to do at all. I want to learn Spanish but for some reason I just don't designate the time for it.
So if the book didn't help me learn how to keep a habit I don't know what will.

The Starbucks routine is hard because it requires me to get up at a reasonable time. and get out of the house. I decided to set an alarm. sounds minor but I honestly never thought of that before. Set and alarm. wake up the same time every day and it may actually make me get up regularly on my now.


I actually sit around feeling bad that I don't make these several things into permanent habits.
I am so hard on myself. I should be proud of the little things. But there is time in this life and I can learn to adapt ways to make me fulfill these habits.

Today's drink: Spiced Pumpkin Latte no whip cream