I never thought I'd be telling my grandfather how proud I am of him and how I know he is ready to go on the bus by himself tomorrow. When I told him that I wasn't going to be there tomorrow to help him, he said that he wished I could be there. All I could do was reassure him that all would work out just fine. He gave me a hug and kiss. I know he'll be fine. And I didn't think I'd say this a week ago.
Pepere's Dial-A-Ride Bus
Now I can say that I am over a week into my goal of smoke free living! I called up the quit now program in Connecticut and will be having 8 more weeks of patches sent to me. My major hurdles are when I am bored and when I am angry. My quit coach suggested that when I am angry I should go for a brief walk or journal about what I am angry about. Also he suggested that I begin an exercise routine. All great suggestions.
As I'm driving to go meet with my Grandfather today, someone whom I take care of daily as his aide, I get a phone call from my mother. She is crying and states, He passed. I freak out. What are you serious, how do you know?? she quickly realizes that I forgot her great friend was in the hospital and in a coma and that she was talking about him. I thought she was referring to my grandfather. Although I was sad by his death, it was a relief that my grandfather was alive.
This man was a great dear friend to my mother. She valued his friendship far more than anyone I have known her be friend's with. She talked so kindly of him; a lot better than that of her ex-husband, my father. He was very, very ill since she's known him. He is definitely at peace now and this has been a blessing for him.
When I arrived at my grandfather's I felt myself embracing him in a hug far more passionately then I might have the day before and the day before that. I had patience for his repeat of the same questions and I was proud of him for getting ready for going out on dial-a-ride to have lunch at the senior center.
To get him to learn his bus driver's name I have associated it with a song- Michelle My Belle. Since my grandfather aka Pepere is french, he knows this song well. We sang it together several times today. Although not only does he know all the words, he pronounces all the french so perfectly. I'll never forget this memory of us walking down his driveway after leaving the bus and him saying "what a nice driver, what's her name again?". Me- "Michelle, my belle". and Pepere- starts singing the complete song twice!!
I stayed with him far longer than I normally would. I tell him I will leave and he asks me to stay. I can't resist. I have no other obligation.
When I get home I am approached by my 6 mo old kitten, Twixie and her cute little face delights me. (she's intently staring at the computer screen right now as the words appear.)
I immediately go into my art space and make a mandala in memory of Richard.
My goal of quitting smoking has been on track and today marks one full week without a smoke. I started a new habit today. I plan to get addicted to drinking water. hahahaha.sounds healthier, right?!
It's time to make decisions and stick to them. I have been wanting to quick drinking and smoking cigs for so long. Now I have finally kick started the process.
A decision is something that you commit to and don't look back to the way you were doing things before. As I learned from 'motivational speaker' Anthony Robbins..It takes a long time to prepare to make a decision and only a minute or so to make one. He also says that you have to change your references to the way you look at what you are trying to change. For me it would be if I am trying to quit smoking cigarettes I need to associate pain with the act of smoking and pleasure with the accomplishment and act of not smoking.
Today, after my fiance leaves for work (tear, sad face), I plan on opening my Art Therapy for Groups text book and taking more notes. I have to refresh myself on this subject matter in order to open the business that I want to open. I need to make money, have a job and do what I love. I forgot how much I love art therapy. I forgot that I love it because it helped me so much when I was sick. It's time. It's time to get back in the grove. work again. it's time.
Mandalas
If you don't know what a mandala is I will describe it best I can. A circle with an image created within it. it is an ancient art form that has been done in forms of sand art in india to crayon or oil pastels. There exist coloring pages/books out there. I think I need to make a sketchbook of mine that so long has plagued me with how to fill its pages with 365 days of mandalas. they are so relax and a circle is an infinate symbol. there is no beginning or end to it. it is containment for your image and can be very telling to your mood and emotion. Here's a link to a site about mandalas that far better explains it than I do.
http://www.mandaladesign.com/about-mandalas.html
i will come back to this blog by the end of today and post my first 365 days of mandalas on here.
