Missing my grandfather

So Pepere  (grandpa in French) has been on my mind a lot lately. He meant the world to me. I actually had the opportunity to care for him on a daily basis. Towards the end of his life he developed dementia. It was pretty serious. I've seen even worse when I worked at the nursing home. He was always repeating the same question over and over again. He never knew what he was 'suppose' to be doing and would ask.. is this what I should be doing? Luckily as I believe it I have extreme patience.

I would help him get on the bus that transports seniors to the senior center. Pepere prior to my care had been driving to the senior center by himself at age 93!! they would often find him in his car early AM sleeping in it. we struggled to figure out how to get him to stop driving. He was so adamant about driving. He use to say.. I thank God every day for letting me get around the way I do. Meaning driving. finally one night he actually left his house and drove to we think the senior center but he got lost. He drove to several towns away and actually pulled over to a cop on the side of the road to ask him for directions. Long story short the cop knew he was demented and revoked his license right then and there. The neighbors noticed him leave and called my mom. she was able to go to the scene because the cop called her. her name was in his wallet. she was so relieved he revoked the license.

Anyways. I loved taking care of Pepere. There were afternoons when I would watch tv while he sat in the porch. I regret that but some people say.. you couldn't be on top of him 24/7. I remember taking him out for ice cream at Friendly's one day and that was awesome.

overall I was able to help my grandfather in his final years. He ended up in a home because he got sick and falling. he stopped eating at the nursing home and eventually died. 

I gave the eulogy at his funeral and I am so proud of that. I know he is watching over me right now. Love you pepere!

Today's drink: Smores frappuchino

Dead battery

I am writing from my cell phone. My computer battery is dead ! And  at stsrbucks

I was going to write about my grandfather today. Maybe  I'll wrote from home   Well  I'm gonna relax here at Starbucks and drink my coffee  today's was free ! Ice hazelnut coffee'

If I was LOADED!

I am not one who fantasizes about winning the lottery. I think its too far fetched and the odds too high. My husband always talks about what he would do if he won the lottery. And he's pretty generous with his money. He'd buy friends and family houses. He'd give away money to friends and family. He'd buy luxery cars, watches and other designer items.
I don't bother thinking about that because I know it'll never happen. But here's what I'd do if I had millions.
first thing: Breast augmentation/ boob job. I wont hesitate to get one.
A house on the water in Miami or anywhere in Florida for that matter.
purses.. I love all designer purses and I would buy tons of them. Sorry that's my thing. purses. Not shoes, purses.
 the house has to have an inground pool and hot tub as well
Make up  I would by designer brand makeup as well.


as I write this I'm noticing that a lot of these things would be affordable if I had a good paying job. I need to just live with what Ive got. I can't get a job anytime soon. So I'll stick with what ive got now.


Having a ton of money would be nice but I don't sit around dreaming about it. That's pointless to me. I'll stick with what ive got.

Today's drink: cinnamon chai latte, cold

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Florida

I love Florida!! My husband and I are trying to move there! Almost every year we've been together we have traveled to Florida. We knew each other for only a few months and my husband took me to Florida! Here are the towns we looked for townhomes to purchase in..
Jacksonville, Lantana, Miami and finally St. Petersburg.

So basically we have been all over the map! We put offers in about 3 places and none of them paned out. One was a short sale and that was impossible ... the wait was too much. Another we had a battle over the owner had to install heat/ AC . Believe it or not heat is required by law down there.

So to back track a little. I was born in Florida. Palm Beach Gardens to be exact. Although my parents moved shortly after I was born I consider myself a florida gal. I say to people that I have sunshine running through my veins. I love sunshine. I love hot weather. I actually even love humidity.

My mom- she has wanted to move back to Florida for as long as I remember. Her father held her back from moving. She was all he had everyone else was dead.. sadly to say. When you kids get out of school we are going to Florida. I cant say how long I heard that one for!

I love vacationing to South beach, Miami. Its so much fun with beaches and shopping and tons of restaurants. The beautiful palm trees and scenery. But here's the thing. We decided that we don't want to move down to Miami because it would take the fun out of it. We'd probably never do the attractions or appreciate it after a while.

We discovered Clearwater/ St. Pete's and love love love it!

 

Just the right everything.

So we are going to move there when we do move.
Our house is for sale. and if it sells we will downsize tremendously. Possibly move to the Bronx. and then save up for Florida move!

Today's drink: Chocolate smoothie (w banana)

better than ever

thanks for reading ..

I honestly have felt better than I ever have. Doc and I added an anti-depressant to my medicine regimen. My daily crippling anxiety and panic attacks have gone away. Its like a miracle. I still have some lingering worries but NOTHING like before.

I have my fellowship that keeps me getting out of the house and meeting people. Also all the friendships I've built are priceless. I go to meetings almost every day and it really helps my psyche and socialization.

Next:
 I have my Starbucks and blogging routine every weekday morning! I love this new routine. It helps get me out of bed, home and into the real world. I love all the workers at Starbucks they are so friendly and always seem to be having so much fun. I also like to see all the people like me with their laptops plugging away at something.

Next:
I have a new counselor. It took me a while to establish a new counselor after my last ones' office closed. My friend suggested this lady at Life Bridge in Bridgeport. And because I knew someone who referred me I was able to bypass their rule of meeting 3 times with an intake coordinator. Shes really sweet and has a lot to offer. I have had success in the past switching counselors/therapists because I get a new perspective on my current issues.

Next:
I just started at Planet Fitness. I now have a personal trainer there. I plan to go every work day just like startbucks and meetings. now technically my membership allows me to go to any Planet Fitness. but I am just getting settled at this one and I love the trainer and would hate to pick up somewhere else. 

My life is going tremendously well. And we have our house for sale. So Im on the edge of my seat wondering if Im going to have to change everything. Sell tons of items in my house.. relocate .. change therapist, doctor, blood work, pharmacy, gym, meetings/.

Please pray for me that whatever happens will be a new door opening or just keep going so greatly.

Today's drink: strawberry acai

The Beach

I never liked the beach.. I always thought it was stupid and pointless to go lay on sand all day and occasionally bask in the ocean waters. My favorite vacation alternative was to go shopping.  For example Myrtle Beach has a shopping/boardwalk and I always wanted to be there instead of the beach.

As I got older I realized that its nice to have a natural tan. So I'd be interested in lying on the beach for that one reason!
But I always ended up lobster burned!

now as an adult I really do see the beauty for going to the beach. its calming, relaxing altogether stress reliever.

the one part I hate is unloading the car of our beach related gear and walking to find a spot! and then at the end doing the same. It's shear laziness.

Now im extra careful with my skin. Ive been using 50 spf. and I still get a tan and I recently got burned in spots I missed! ugggg.

Some people play volleyball on the beach. Not for me. Some people build sand castles on the beach. Not for me. I started bringing a portable radio and that's been lovely.

My favorite part is laying on a towel and just resting with the sun on my back. And I think as a kid I didn't want to sit still like that. Now I get the point of the beach! and now I love going .. . never thought id see the day

Today's drink: Ice coffee with vanilla shot

ability to go backwards in life

Boy oh boy I sure wish I could go backward in life and do things differently. I feel like I have a LOT of regrets. Things I could have done differently. Some people I talk to in life say.. ah no, I don't wanna go backwards. But I do!

Ok so I know that God has things good and bad happen. He puts bad things in our lap because they help us grow and he knows we can handle them.

I'd take back calling in sick so many times within 1 month to my nanny job. That job was great for me and I would've earned a boat load of money.

I'd take back yelling at my mom several Christmas before.

I'd take back cheating on my now ex-boyfriend.

I'd take back stopping taking my meds.

So there are quite a bit of things.  But I'm wise enough to see that each of these regrets got me where I need to be.

They teach in AA to let go and let God. They want us to make amends with those we have resentments with. But what about a step to help us work on regrets?
I could use to work on that area of my life.

what do you regret? Do you regret nothing in life or just the opposite?

Today's drink: caramel macchiato

commitment part 2

So I've done it, I became a member of a gym, again! I am on day 2 and I was having trouble getting out of bed. First to do my blogging at Starbucks and after that go to the gym. But I did it; I got free. This is for me, for my benefit. Being lazy will get me nowhere. Except to feel down and negative about myself.

Anyone else have trouble committing to things?

I heard it takes 21 days to formulate a habit. So I have 18 to go!

I beat myself up a LOT! I have all the time in the world and don't take advantage of that.  Tv is not helpful or important. I use to watch Sex and the City all afternoon. over and over again! as they ran marathons on E!  Now that I don't have cable I have nothing to watch. well , nothing too good.

I can commit to a man really easy. I make a pretty damn good girlfriend/wife... but as far as daily routine items I suck at it. Here's what I want to commit to:

face care routine (cleanse, tone, moisturize)
exercise
art making
rosetta stone

none of these are difficult really maybe the exercise one will be the hardest for me.
 Let me know down below if you have something you'd like to commit to but are having trouble with it.

Today's drink: Café LAtte

It's who you know

Today's topic is a suggestion from my husband. We were at the beach on Saturday. There were a small group of 20-30 something men. They were drinking beers. 2 cops pulled up to them got out of their lil scooters and started talking to these men. Now I start to worry that we will get in trouble have beers on the beach. Ruben had brought about 5 and they were hidden in the cooler except the one in his hand. I thought for sure the cops were going to make the guys dump their beers or kick them off the beach. Nope ! Nothing! They just stayed chatting.

So..... is it allowed? Common says says yes. There were no signs stating that it's a law. The cops just stood there sipping their waters and watching the men sip their beers.

My husband was like, if they harass me for my beers I want you to record what's going on. That's not fair if they do.

It's really sometimes all about who you know. I compare it to getting a job. It's so easy to get a job if you know someone. I got my volunteer position because someone I knew knew I was looking for a position .

I just think that life is easier if you know someone. But it's not entirely fair is it?

 

 

Today's drink: Cinnabon Frappachino

 

fear of dogs

So anyone who knows me well, knows that I am afraid of dogs or should I say WAS afraid of dogs. I use to run away from them. When going to a home where they own a dog I'd request that they hold the dog somewhere.
I'm afraid of them in general.  Afraid they will jump on me and bite me. I have a dog in my neighborhood.. looks like a Doberman. He can jump the fence so... I don't go that direction when I take walks.

I'm also grossed out by them. I find them smelly, dirty and altogether nasty. I tend to find short hair dogs less dirty. Explain that one to me?! If a dog ever licked my I would die. So gross !

I have cats. They are my babies. I don't have children but say my cats are my children. They are not gross to me. They are not dirty to me. I let them lick me and don't get grossed out???!!It makes no sense. they are similar so why cats are fine and dogs aren't.

Well, good news is...my phobia is gone. With they help of Caesar Milan the Dog Whisperer. Watching that show made me realize that dogs have people-like qualities. They have emotions and are trainable. I got use to them watching that show. I wanted to be on that show myself. See if Caesar could 'fix' me of my fears.

My friend /co-worker years ago wrote a children's book: Not Afraid Of Dogs!! I bought it and she signed it for me: You are braver than you think!

I have recently pet several dogs at my family's lake house. There were about 5 dogs roaming around the property where we were all sitting and eating. The old me would've stayed in the car or hid somewhere. Instead this time I sit calmly on a bench with the dogs roaming around me. 1 had an issue with being friendly and biting history and still I sat by him. I was petting some of them.

I am so proud of myself for how far I've come in regards to dogs. I think I would still die if a dog licked me. But at least I can be around them calmly!!

Oh I forgot to say why I was afraid of dogs in the first place. Some of you may be wondering.
When I was 3 I was playing in my sandbox in the back yard. My mom went inside to answer a phone call (I think) and 3 big dogs probably german sheps or Rottweiler. came ad surrounded me. They didn't bite but I was terrified. and that did it for me.

People in general sure do love dogs. My husband is always saying dogs would do anything to protect their owner. And they are genuinely happy when you get home. And they  make great companions. I'm not quite there yet but maybe one day we will own an dog ??!!

Today's drink: Teavana: Mango black lemonade

TV

I use to think TV was a waste of time. I would watch maybe a few select shows and that was it.

As a child I watched enough TV for 4 people. My favorite 2 shows when I was a child were: I Dream of Jeanie and Bewitched!  Even when younger than that it was MTV. Yes MTV! My mom said I loved watching music videos. And to this day I still love music videos.

I think between Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers I learned a great deal. Very educational programming. Oh and Reading Rainbow.

Fast forward to my 30s.. I love reality tv. Embarrassing to admit but God honest truth. I love Real Housewives, Shark Tank, Kardashians, and many many more.

TV according to my therapist is a passive activity. It requires no movement or effort. I have plenty of free time as most of you may know.

I wish I did other things rather than watch TV. And what's even worse is we cancelled our cable television. So I thought for sure I would decrease my TV watching by half or more. NOPE now I watch shows I don't even like. I want to exercise, create daily art, go to Starbucks for blogging daily.

I might get a gym membership so therefore less time spent at home in front of the tv.

and now with Netflix you can Binge watch your favorite shows. I have done it. You spend the whole weekend inside, watching these shows. its hypnotizing.

anyone have tips on how not to watch tv. self will I guess but any other tips are welcomed!!!

Today's drink:Tall Caramel Macchiato

comittment

I'm baaaack! Well I was adjusting to my new meds that made be even sleepier than before without those meds. But now I'm hopefully back to the grind.

The topic of today's blog is commitment. This is a character defect of mine. I have all these great ideas and then I start them and then never finish. Some things I'd love to be able to commit to...

1.) daily walk or daily gym use (I currently have no membership and a hole in the belt of my treadmill at home.)

2.) skin care routine. I do it at random. I'd like to do it consistently daily!

3) art journaling or making art daily

4)cooking on weekends or trying new recipes


How come I cant make habits of these things I've listed??? I think its laziness.

The TV is so much easier of an option..

When it comes to relationships I am huge on commitment. I am good at it. I like it. I repect it.

When it comes to jobs I'm horrible at it. I get started and want to leave soon there after.

When I told my friend that my husband said I'll get a gym membership and wont stick to it. He said prove your husband wrong. hmmm.. can I really commit to a gym membership??

Ive had Lucille Roberts.. went 3 times. I've had Bally's and went again maybe 3 times. and then Planet Fitness a handful of times.

And.... if we move I wont' know if there's a gym near me.

I recently bought Gretchin Rubin's newest book. Better Than Before. it's suppose to help people commit to things and form habits.

I'm hoping the book will be JUST what I NEED to make habits!

Gretchen Rubin website

Today's coffee: blonde roast with a shot of hazelnut