overwhelmed

ok so already I am feeling overwhelmed. I just listed on facbook all of the wonderful thinks I have in my life that I'm currently doing. I'll list them here again.


 art journal, day planner, composition book of various art, gratitude diary, quote/affirmation log book. I'm also working on a watercolor painting for my dad, a Suzi Blu workshop which is including teaching myself how to draw faces! and lastly I'd like to start drawing a giraffe to eventually paint in acrylic. 
I also want to paint the NYC skyline for Ruben for Christmas and paint Kingsley for Stacey. I also want to make this Dylusions Journal the way that Suzi has hers. which will probably take me a life time!! The photo here is the cover of her journal. it's so pretty! I want to be able to do that.
So.. Just my artistic/ creative endeavors alone get me overwhelmed. So imagine adding more to my plate? there is more .. there are cooking, cleaning, volunteering, meetings, gym/exercise..
Imagine if I had kids?! oh my that would be insane. take like 70% of all of this an throw it out the window.
So breath... have gratitude.. keep doing what I'm doing ... and drink more water!

how to or not spend ones' birthday

Hi all! Well today I am a year older. YAAY! I love my birthday. I think for some reason all the festivities that surround the day excite me. I confess, its the one day where it is ALL about ME! and that's probably the psychology behind it. I think we all deserve 1 day out of the year to be honored and spoiled.

The program I am a part of has taught me to honor others and provide service to others. Think less and less about yourself. That's major for me. I know that one of my character defects growing up and still has been very self-centered. I need to think less about Erin and more about everyone else. Whether it is during a conversation of its at Christmas giving.

Its not about me anymore; its about what can I do for others?

 I was thinking about it.. I have changed my cleaning day to Thursdays. And I need my Friday's off. I though this week- how shitty I have to clean the house on my birthday. But then I gave it more thought. It's really just another day. I'm not some primadonna princess that can't lift a finger. I have dinner with Dad to look forward to and some other things here and there. So quitcha bitchin and do it!  BTW skipping or switching a day wont fly. lol.

And finally I must say a huge THANK YOU to my Mom and Dad for creating me. You are the reason I am here on this Earth. Thank you and I love you sooo much!

spending money

Tis the season to shop until you drop. ugg. It's so nice to see a family member or friend's face when they open a gift from you.. but you end up spending a fortune on everybody. This year we have 13 people to shop for for Christmas gifts and 6 December babies for birthday gifts. All in total equals mega bucks. Now I'm not totally selfish but I always shop in the stores and think- hmmm that looks nice , or I want that. sometimes I buy the stuff I see for me.

Part of my illness is that when I am in a super good mood I tend to spend spend spend. And sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I spend to feel better. its like a vicious circle. I bought several things in November and December that I definitely DON'T need!!

Sure some say well Erin you deserve it. Do I? really? A designer brand wallet over 150? A set of shower gels for 75? and day planner for an amount im not even going to share. Some choices are poor. I returned clothes I bought online. They were nice but not worth the money. So that's how I rationalized the day planner. because I returned the clothes then I can afford the planner.

I really should donate more things. But a good friend of mine told me I deserve everything God blesses me with. So I will continue to do what I do daily and thank God for everything. all day I do this and it really helps!!

family

So I'm so fortunate that I get along with and love all my family! And they all love me. I know people, even close to me that their family just doesn't communicate or spend time with each other. We sometimes struggle to please everyone or accommodate everyone. Especially during the holidays. It's always a battle- who's house are we going to and who is invited. With parents whom are divorced and also those with kids that their fathers are separate it makes for a tricky holiday plan. But in the end we all love each other to the most of our ability.

We moved here from New York instead of New Jersey on purpose. Because my family all lives here in Connecticut. We are frequently going up to their place to visit whether for just because or an event/party. Not often do they visit us. usually if it's just a bbq or a party of some sort. So.. for my sister and the boys to come yesterday meant a lot to me. We decorated my house for Christmas with the boys. As far as I can tell they had a blast! And my Christmas tree never looked any better. But to have family here to share such a special time of year meant the world to me.

Even though holiday's are tricky we always manage to have a good time and most of us be together at the same event.

a long break

So if you had been following my blogs you would know that I went off the map. It all started because the new medicine I was taking made me even more groggy than the other meds. Which I didn't imagine was even possible as I was struggling to wake up with the old meds. Lately, knock on wood, I've been getting up super early like today for example, 8 am! Last Sunday it was 7:30am! My husband was shocked. The medicine has been a Godsend. It has totally done a 360 on my life. I never knew what happy was and how depressed I was until I got on it. Really! No wonder I laid in bed for hours not wanting to get out--- I was depressed.. duh, why didn't I think of that??!!
So know that I'm no longer depressed I'm such a changed woman. I am super talkative and friendly with friend, family or strangers! I only have about a tenth of the worries I use to have. I'm still not drinking and don't desire to most of the time. This is ground breaking for me.

I want to discuss selfishness and humility for a moment.

So over the weekend I went Christmas and birthday shopping at the mall and also online shopping. I got everyone done except 2. I had 12 gifts and 12 stocking stuffers as well as 6 birthdays! But here's the thing-- no matter what store I went into I found something or somethings I would want for myself. I had to use serious self-discipline to deter myself from buying for me not another. This leads me to the topic of selfishness... I get so bothered when I think of how much I have and how I don't need anything. In fact I Should probably donate a lot. For example: I have been tracking what I wear. I haven't repeated an outfit since September. No grated I bought all my clothes a thrift shop that puts things into perspective. But still, I feel overwhelmed. I have an iPad, designer sunglasses, a HUGE collection of purses, you name it I probably have it. So why when shopping for holidays did I want almost 1 thing in every store I went into?! Am I greedy, or is this normal? My trainer was like well it's your money you earned it if you wanna spend on yourself why. Well he would be right if I didn't drop over 150 on a wallet a few weeks ago. Shopping is like a drug for me, it feels so good that I can't resist buying stuff.

But on another hand I am very humble. I volunteer my time and services. I donate clothes that I don't wear or fit in. I need to just not beat myself up and be thankful to God for all that I have and all he has given me.