Backbone

I was never one to have a backbone. And people loved to point that out to me. Whether it be family, friends or complete strangers. And from a young age.. talking like 3rd grade and that vicinity. I really didn't even know what having a backbone meant.
I was always shy, very very shy. I could never just go up to a stranger and ask for something. In school my shyness got interpreted as being a snob. They all thought that I thought I was too good for them therefore I didn't talk to anyone. So not the case. I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't know how to start a conversation or how to keep one. And years later that's where alcohol came into play. It helped me when I was a lot older (like the last 2 years of high school) older to be able to socialize with my peers.

But at undergrad I did: I think that I had come out of my shell my freshman year at college. I had a large circle of friends and I was able to juggle between school and social life. oh my we drank so much. and my last year .. what a confidence boost. So many friends instead of the first 3 years where I had just a few. Both ways: a few friend party all the time and a ton of friends party all the time , alcohol was part of the picture. I was slowly gaining confidence in myself .. if this is making any sense. before I needed alcohol to socialize..
Now I don't need booze to have fun or party. But as far as speaking up for myself I am a totally new person. I will ultimately ask for anything I need. I have the mentality that it doesn't hurt to ask.

I hate conflict, I hate having to approach somebody and tell them they hurt or bothered me. But if I don't then I have let them walk over me, hence having a no back bone. I just practiced this last night. I had to approach hubby with something he said that bothered me and I really wanted to just avoid it but I HAD TO DO IT! and I did, it went well and now he will know better for the next time that I don't tolereate that behavior.

So I guess the theme is backbone to have or not! I guess you can grow one with time like me!

I'm BACK!!

Hi everyone! thanks for stopping by to read my blog. I haven't been blogging for a long time. I just stopped because I was going to Starbucks to do it and it got quite expensive and fattening! I didn't really want to do this from home, I thought it killed the purpose. Purpose being to get out of bed and out of the house; around other people and awake. But a great thing has occurred lately.... I have been able to get up while its still dark out!! This is major, major, major. I have always hated the fact that my body requires more sleep then it use to. I always prided myself on being a morning person. So to sleep past 9 am, especially since I would go to bed at 9 pm.. I use to feel horrible about it. It's a known fact that I beat myself up over everything but now I'm just tickled that I can get up earlier that Ruben even!!
So what am I doing now that I get up earlier??
Working on my latest project. Fine-tuning and revamping my iTunes Library. I weeded it out basically. I got rid of all the crap I don't listen. edited playlists. Added playlists and music.
So I am working on learning new music. It's great and all that I had/have an obsession with Hair Metal/Metal in general. But its been years and years. Time for a change. I'm bored with it. So I decided maybe a year ago to get into Chris Cornell's music. Not because I'm attracted to him, quite the contrary. No but because he is damn good. And I never acted on the desire. I just didn't wanna buy his cds along with Soundgarden and Audioslave. So finally I bit the bullet and decided to acquire all their music!! but then it turned into a desire for all things alternative from that era.. IF you know me you know I get obsessive and compulsive.. so I started to list all the bands from that era/genre and furthermore all their albums. so then I had to have it all. Luckily I have an amazing friend, Dave, whom was able to burn CDs for me!!! He ROCKS! oh and the guy that works at FYE randomly offered to burn a few for me too??! awesome! 
So now comes the fun/best part... learning all the music. Its my favorite part. I did it with: Guns, Whitesnake, skid row, Montley Crue, ZZ, Cars, Metallica, Pantera, etc, ETc, ETC,

so I can do it with this music!

Oh and don't get me wrong, my friend Melinda pointed out about Axl.. I will still be his number 1 fan..

phobia

So for my whole life I have had a phobia of dogs. I was surrounded in my childhood sandbox by 2 large, scary dogs. That was enough to set me up with a fear of dogs for life.

Ah hah--- life?!
so I started years ago watching the Dog Whisperer. It really opened my eyes to see that dogs have illness, faults and good nature deep down they don't want to hurt any human. The more I watched the more I got better being around them.

I have been able within the last 2 year to actually pet dogs. They can smell fear so I try to be brave when close by.
So I decided recently that I want a dog at home as a companion. everyone is shocked especially my husband and mom.
I have one major concern... how does one train a dog?? especially to go to the bathroom?
I'd get one in a heart beat if it weren't for that issue.

ruben found some beagles and puggles for sale. but they are baby baby age. so that's going to be very hard.

oh well. I guess there's no rush.

consistency

I am striving for consistency, structure and -- the dreaded -- perfection! I have several tasks and check off list items that I want to do daily. Like this blog. For some reason I can't quite figure out, I haven't been successful in the consistency department. I know perfection doesn't exist and the terms are different for everyone. Which further more proves there's no such thing.
daily items that would make Erin better:
skin care routine morning /night
drink a gallon of water every day
read 1 time daily
art making for at least 30 mins daily
cardio daily

I am getting a really creative day planner. I don't like the iphone one. Id prefer a paper format. I plan to follow Suzi Blu (YouTube vlogger) as she decorates and organzes her. I am praying it helps me stick to my goals and desired schedule. if not it will be a waste of money and effort. I guess its close to that time already. The time of making resolutions. Maybe mine will be to set goals but not beat myself up if I don't meet them?!!

spending money

Tis the season to shop until you drop. ugg. It's so nice to see a family member or friend's face when they open a gift from you.. but you end up spending a fortune on everybody. This year we have 13 people to shop for for Christmas gifts and 6 December babies for birthday gifts. All in total equals mega bucks. Now I'm not totally selfish but I always shop in the stores and think- hmmm that looks nice , or I want that. sometimes I buy the stuff I see for me.

Part of my illness is that when I am in a super good mood I tend to spend spend spend. And sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I spend to feel better. its like a vicious circle. I bought several things in November and December that I definitely DON'T need!!

Sure some say well Erin you deserve it. Do I? really? A designer brand wallet over 150? A set of shower gels for 75? and day planner for an amount im not even going to share. Some choices are poor. I returned clothes I bought online. They were nice but not worth the money. So that's how I rationalized the day planner. because I returned the clothes then I can afford the planner.

I really should donate more things. But a good friend of mine told me I deserve everything God blesses me with. So I will continue to do what I do daily and thank God for everything. all day I do this and it really helps!!

family

So I'm so fortunate that I get along with and love all my family! And they all love me. I know people, even close to me that their family just doesn't communicate or spend time with each other. We sometimes struggle to please everyone or accommodate everyone. Especially during the holidays. It's always a battle- who's house are we going to and who is invited. With parents whom are divorced and also those with kids that their fathers are separate it makes for a tricky holiday plan. But in the end we all love each other to the most of our ability.

We moved here from New York instead of New Jersey on purpose. Because my family all lives here in Connecticut. We are frequently going up to their place to visit whether for just because or an event/party. Not often do they visit us. usually if it's just a bbq or a party of some sort. So.. for my sister and the boys to come yesterday meant a lot to me. We decorated my house for Christmas with the boys. As far as I can tell they had a blast! And my Christmas tree never looked any better. But to have family here to share such a special time of year meant the world to me.

Even though holiday's are tricky we always manage to have a good time and most of us be together at the same event.

art making

Good morning all.. today's blog is about my art making. I have been beating myself up for years that I don't do art daily. I consider myself an artist.. maybe not a good artist but and artist none the less. I started with oil painting. When my ex uncle died I inherited all his art supplies. He had tons of oil paints, brushes and paraphernalia for painting. I was so excited. I never painted before. So my ex's mother bought me a adult ed painting class. So I started my career in painting. I wasn't very good but with patience and perseverance I was able to create the most beautiful portrait of a fairy sitting in a field of flowers and butterflies. From there I did a bunch more. Then certain set backs happened in my life and I strayed from painting. But I did decide to go to college to get a Master's in Art Therapy. Because of this I had to take several art classes just to get accepted in the program. I was horrible at drawing and painting and mostly pottery.

So for years I did no art work. Then I discovered art journaling. instead of just writing down your thoughts you incorporate pictures, decorations and fodder. Fodder (random scraps and items to create with) . Mixed media was foreign to me. You use painting, drawing, stickers, tape, glue, stamping, etc all together on one art piece instead of just oil painting for example.

It was my desire to do art journaling and/ or mixed media every day. This is where art therapy comes in. The therapeutic qualities of art making are great for your thoughts, positivity and mood. So if I did that every day I'd be a happy lady right?!!

So I made my basement into an art studio. It was a place to work out but we sold the treadmill. So it was just beckoning me to come down there. The benefits are I can spread all my supplies out all over the place. I have to use the space heater because its very cold down there. It's soo worth it.

So I have used it every day since putting it there. except Thanksgiving day. and Ruben came down yesterday and said.. what are you doing down here that you are here all the time now. So I showed him a few things and he was impressed. And actually so am I! this is one of my goals to do art on the daily ... fingers crossed it stays that way!